But I Don't Even HAVE A House...

So I didn't have any prior appointments for today... hurray!

And you know what that means?! Cleaning.

Now I'm either one or the other. I can be really really neat and need to have everything in its place with no mess and no clutter. Or I can be completely the opposite and be an utter slob with crusted food on kitchenware and a floor-drobe.

Actually the floor-drobe is usually present at all times. Moving on....

My day didn't actually consist of that cleaning buzz, where literally the entire house needs to be spotless, no. This was more 'oh ok, you want me to clean?? Well I'll do that but only so you won't shout at me'. Yeah.

So it started off watching Jeremy Kyle.. Oh it was simply AMAZING!! I ADORE daytime tv!! The trash that is on his show is unbelievable!! I was in my element! So I watched that while ironing, breaking my heart laughing through the entire thing.

After that (I'm still ironing by the way), I moved on over to 'Escape to the Country'. It's one of those shows where people who live in the city want to have the country life instead so a tv crew and some woman who has NO experience in real estate follow them around while they poke around someone else's house. I have to say, I do enjoy looking around people's houses! All of this consists of moi having a running commentary that usually involves a lot of 'ooh state of that!' or 'jaysus, you'd think she would've decorated a bit' or maybe even a 'that's not what I would have done'.

Now every once in a while they'd hit the goldmine and find this amazing house that I, myself, could see myself living in. Rarely.

Anyway I was having a ball watching this, giving out about the state of the couple who were looking for property and trying to convince my mam that the 'man' was indeed gay, and his marriage was, in fact, a cover up. Such was my reasoning, she thought so too. Success!!

After all of that I moved on to 'Location, Location, Location', another house hunting programme. I was in my element!

I don't know what it is about day time tv... if it doesn't involve a 'show' type structure, with the old man and the really young lady presenting, I'm all over it like a rash!

It's just as well I don't turn on my tv that often as I'd be sucked in each day and would get NOTHING done!!

I eventually finished my ironing (just as Location, Location, Location was finishing up... fancy that!) and chilled out for a good two hours. Ended up on the laptop and got sucked in to the world of the internet.

Seriously, my internet habits are AWFUL!! I resemble someone with ADHD! I have an array of tabs open in my browser at any one time and not one are connected with the other!

Today I managed to read up on the Vietnam war and download some ebooks, update my mobile phone software, browse through Getty Images website, browse through Life Magazine's website, look at Castletown House's website, Facebook and watch the new episode of True Blood online. And that was in 2 hours!

I was also on Amazon for a bit... man, am I dangerous on there!! I'm currently reading a book I just got from there titled 'Jane Austen; The World of Her Novels'. I'm glued to the fucking thing! hahaha It's great for someone like me, who is just obsessed with that era! I went back on to Amazon to find a companion book for it which is basically a book on etiquette. It's written in the style of a guidebook, as if it were published in the late 18th century. It's gotten really good reviews but I can't afford it at the moment. Story of my life darling! hahaha

Right I'm going off to read another chapter or two before beddy byes.

Tally ho!

Day Of Frolicking

That didn't actually involve any sort of frolicking what so ever.

I did however have a day of adventure! Adventure I hear you cry?

Well sorta.

I passed the Dublin city boundary at least!

Today was a day of fun fun fun with one half of the Glamrocks ladies, Louise. We stalled it out to Dundrum shopping centre first to look at all of the beautiful things that we can't afford...*sigh*

Mind you, we went outside by the water fountain/thing beside the cinema and my senses were assaulted by a screeching in my ear and the smell of OAP's in the air. There was some 'spontaneous' opera singers performing in full concert gear giving it welly. The oul wans were LOVING IT! Bless, the little smiles on their faces... I bet it was the highlight of their day.

I'm being a little bit bad, aren't I? Look I'm sorry, I have TRIED to like Opera but sadly it's just one of those genres of music that does not appeal to me in the slightest.

Call me an uncultured swine if you must but I will retaliate with the fact that I adore Classical music, so there! Yes, I did stick my tongue out at the screen.



See, even Louise tried to pretend that she was having a good time but she's hiding the fear in her eyes behind the glasses.

Anyway after that we headed to Portmarnock, armed with bagels and growling stomachs. WHY we went there I don't know, considering its an awfully long way just to eat a bloody bagel, considering how hungry we were... You're going to have to explain that one to me Louise.

Anyway we got there and it was kind of sunny. Oh you know the way... you look for somewhere to sit, still looking, eventually find a spot and settle down. Grand. Still sunny. Unwrap the bagel, take a bite. It clouds over.

I mean COME ON!!!!

It took Louise literally 4 seconds to start telling me how unbelievably intolerant she is to the cold (it was still quite warm at this stage) and how if she doesn't heat up, she will actually die. Yes, DIE. She didn't say any of this but I could tell. I could tell alright! hahaha

Here's some pics that I took of the beach. Notice how you can see the sun TRYING ever so hard to squeeze through but doesn't quite make it. Kind of like a fat kid going down a toddler slide. In shorts. Oh the squeaking!!!






Some madzers actually got in! I can see them still trying to get the sand out of their feet for weeks to come!



The sun gone in... *rolls eyes*



Louise being freezing



Her bag, which I'm very jealous of by the way!



My bag... and foot.



That mad man with his metal detector... HE HAD A SHOVEL!! I didn't know at the time that he had a shovel!! I wonder if he found anything...



Louise making the point further that she was freezing, although by that stage I was too!



The little lighthouse on Howth Head... I wanted to go in for tea! hahaha



The ships coming in to Dublin. Just out of shot, pirates.



Today we walked THIS MANY! We're hot. Like AWESOMELY hot! I swear I didn't nearly loose a lung!



I wanted to go to the edge but previous experience with rabbit holes stopped me from ploughing through!



I think we found a location for a Glamrocks cover shoot...



I have to say I was quite proud of myself today, normally a hangover would have me hiding in bed and moaning constantly but today was really fun! And I only tripped over twice! No face on ground contact either!

Mind you I still managed to rip my leggings on the ONE twig that was in my vicinity. What am I?

A disaster!

I Totally Deserved It

Never, EVER try and cut corners man because its just going to bite you in the ass!

Today I spent the better part of the afternoon dreading the thoughts of going to the gym. I was just being really, really lazy to be honest. I haven't been in three fucking weeks so I really needed to get my ass down there.

But the thought of walking!!!

So I said to myself, fuck it, get the bus down.

Now actually getting the bus is an endevour in itself. Seriously the only bus that goes down there is once every 50mins if you're lucky! And then three of them come in a row! If you were to walk you'd be there before the bus comes like!

That's not even the worse bit. The worst bit is that ITS ONLY ONE FUCKING STOP! You get on the bus and you get off at the next one! The distance isn't even that much between the bus stops, probably a 20minute walk, but its the walk itself. There are two bridges and NOTHING around you except traffic and bushes where the miggies gather. Biting bastards! hahaha

So today I decided to get the bus. Bad decision.

First off I was waiting for 40minutes for the shagging bus in the first place! Secondly when I got on it I had to do the whole embarrassing walk down the stairs after only going one stop. Thirdly, when you get off, you still have to walk for ten minutes! I mean is there even a point?!

So I did my work out, which nearly killed me by the way, and went to wait for the bus home. I WAS going to walk but then I said 'nah, sure one always passes me when I'm walking home'. So I waited. I only had to wait for 20minutes before one turned the corner.

I put my hand out.

Kept it out.

The bus man SEES me, shakes his head and points to the bus stop 5minutes away around the corner as he drives right past.

HE DROVE PAST ME!!

The motherfucker drove past me.

I couldn't believe it!

I was on the phone to my friend at the time and was screaming at the bus man again (second time in two days) and decided to just fucking WALK IT seeing as thats what I was obviously supposed to do in the first place!

I wasted over an hour today waiting on that bloody bus! An hour I could have spent sitting in the sun with my sunnies on!

And, get this, as I was walking over the bridge a 210 passed me. A 210!! They come every four hours!

Typical!

By the way I think I gave myself a bruised rib or something from Saturday night! Fucking left lung is killing me all bloody day!

Not to forget the gammy limp I have from my knee...

Jaysus I'm an utter ride aren't I?!

hahahaha

It Started With A Glass Of Wine

Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

It started with a large glass of wine.

I had made plans to go out and have a night full of joyfulness, as you do for a Saturday evening. I have had literally NO money since the first week of this month. I got paid alright but a shopping spree and a drunken weekend later, I found myself on a hard ass budget for the rest of the month. But I said to myself, 'If you have a drink BEFORE HAND and then maybe have a well placed shot in the club, the nagin of vodka will go far'.

Ahem.

So I'm sitting in my house all dolled up, looking like an utter ride of course and I decide a glass of wine would help dramatically for the 'cheap night' cause. So I had that and found myself stumbling a bit towards the bus stop in to town. Awesome.

Met up with a friend of mine first in the Twisted Pepper after getting eyeballed out of it by the bouncer... 'You on your own love?', 'Yes I am and thank you for pointing that out in an extra loud voice so that the entire smoking area thinks I'm a friendless retard'. Asshole.

I go up to pay. I'm asked if I'm on a list. A list! For the Twister Pepper!! I condescendingly say no and the bitch looks me up and down and says 'tenner' IMMEDIATELY after letting the guy in before me for a fiver! I wasn't liking this place already.

So fucking moron that I am, I paid it. I should have just walked out before doing so but I wouldn't have witnessed the best of all sights... These 'retro', 'awesome' people lined the walls, scanning everyone that went in. I, of course, eyeballed the fuck out of all of them. They all saw that they didn't know me and went on posing to each other.

What a place! They all KNEW each other! I felt like I had stumbled in to a birthday bash for a 70 year old and tried to pass myself off as a grand-daughter! Hilarious!! Found my friend and we headed upstairs.

It was a glorified cubbie hole.

Seriously it looked like someone had converted their attic (badly, mind) and slapped red paint on the walls and a DJ booth at the back. It was vile! It looked like an S+M room more than anything! They had a WASHING LINE (?!?!) going across the dancefloor with illuminous pegs hanging up these manky curtains that could be found in a Heatons bargain bin.

Fuuuuuuuuccck!

There was about 10 people in there throwing themselves around the cubbie hole's dancefloor as though they were midway through a spastic fit!

Oh I'm shuddering at the thought of it all!

Everyone there was dressed in American Apparel and that their 'awesome' haircuts styled to perfection. There was a ratio of 2 cameras to each person there! Seriously, the AMOUNT of them! And they were all the flashy, expensive models too, none of this '70 euro from Argos job' in the cubbie hole... oh no!!

I literally found myself a wall, leaned against it and watched this tragedy unfold. It was horrific! Eventually my friend swiped us beers because she knew whoever it was that was playing the 'music' and I proceeded to neck that out of sheer fear for my soul. Some guy in a sun visor came over and wiped all of this fake blood all over me... Ok, fair enough if it was green of something. I could look like I got gunged or gave the HULK a sponge-bath, but RED?! It fucking looked like some chick had her period on my arm!!!!

I pleaded a trip to the jacks, so off we went with yet another free bottle of booze. Yippie. I found myself not caring as much about the blood at this stage but still, I tried to wash it off.

No go.

I mean, AT ALL!!

That sun visor wearing bastard STAINED my skin with what looked like monthly juice. 'Oh hi, yes sorry, could you pass me a sanitary towel for my arm? My arm vagina is leaking again!'

Fuuuuucck sake!

Anyway I left that place pretty speedy (ha!) and headed over to the Academy... this is where the general 'Oh No!' moments happened.

Ok I can't really remember what happened so I'll just tell you the way I remember it and yes, its all in bullet points in my brain.

*Downing another free bottle outside the academy and thinking to myself 'maybe that wasn't a good idea...'

*Meeting the Glamrocks girls at the bar and ordering a vodka...

*Spiking my vodka with more vodka in the middle of the dancefloor by pretending to tie a non existent shoe lace...

*Seeing a group of people that I have no liking for what so fucking ever and shouting and hugging them as if they were my best friends, meanwhile they give me declarations of love and say that we need to go out for drinks. I remember also being absolutely horrified by all of this...

*Spilling all drinks within a 40 foot radius by knocking in to them, one falling on Louise's white coat (sorry again Louise!)

*Trying to wedge the now empty bottle of vodka in the sanitary towel dispenser in the bathroom...

*Meeting my friends on the dancefloor and proceeding to through my hair around like I was in a Florence and the Machine video...

*Seeing another old friend of mine who most likely saw me and thought 'jesus... she's in train-wreck mode again'.

*Knocking in to more people on the dancefloor

*Getting my friend who was in the Twisted Pepper for free by pulling a fast one on the bouncer

*Being in the toilet with said friend from the Twisted Pepper and somehow finding ourselves in a situation that we have both sworn never to speak about and yet find absolutely hilarious!

*Loosing my friend from the Twisted Pepper.

*Swiping pints from the stage that OBVIOUSLY belonged to someone...*head in hands at this stage*

*Somehow being in Burger King laughing my ass off at Una doing her best Edward Cullen impression with chips and ketchup...

*Stomping my way on to the nightlink and hauling ass upstairs where I proceeded to give myself four chins as my body collapsed in on myself

*Being on the nightlink and deciphering the blur outside the windows as being close to home and heading downstairs.

*Standing at the doors of the bus, thinking to myself 'I'm so great, look at me, I can act sober! I bet everyone is thinking "Wow! She's not even drunk, why is she on the bus this late, looking amazing!"'



I'm going to stop the bullet points here because I remember VERY clearly what happened next...

Basically I managed to spew out a drunken 'Thanks very much' to the driver. I stepped off the bus. Now, I didn't notice this until afterwards of course but the driver never actually pulled in. He merely just stopped in the middle of the road.

So the first foot went down.

The second one went down.

I went to lift the first foot off the ground and step forward but it caught itself on the path (that I did not know was there) and proceeded to watch as the ground hurdled towards me.

I literally fell flat on to my fucking face!

MORTIFIED!!

My knees somehow caught the path and the crumpled what stature I had left and I was left sprawled face first on the grass with my dress considerably higher than normal.

I was lying there, hair splayed around me, covered in fake blood on my upper half, real blood on my knee and my dress halfway up my back. I was one of those moments where you first think 'What the fuck?!' immediately followed by an 'Ooookaaaay'.

It was then that I managed to roll around on to my back and looked ahead.

There was the bus driver looking out at me with his eyes as wide as fucking saucers and his mouth in the shape of a big O. Effing bastard. I did what any girl tried to do, I tried to recapture my dignity that was left pouring out the hole now placed at the knee of my tights. I started screaming at him... Well it was more a slurred version of 'You fucking asshole, try pulling up to the path the next time! I'm gonna get you!'

And do you know what he did?

He closed the door. He closed the door and had that same reaction on his face as he pulled off, staring at me the entire time while I tried to pull down my dress as the rest of the bus pulled past.

And what did I do then I hear you cry? Well... I did the only thing you can do in a situation like that... I fell back on the grass and lay there pissing myself laughing. I must have been there for a good five minutes before I actually remembered that there might be people watching.

So I got up and did a quick scan. To my drunken eye there was no one there so off I zig zagged home, limping and crying laughing at the complete horror I had turned myself in to that night.

Eventually made it home and snuck in to the house trying not to wake anyone. Stripped myself of my bra and left it as a good morning present to the household on the kitchen table. Hung it off the back of a chair more like, like a badge of fucking honour! There you effing go! hahaha

I then crept upstairs and immediately passed out.

Woke up the next morning with my little sister hanging over my line of vision, sitting on my stomach and poking me in the face with a crayon.

When did she get here?!

Then I remembered she stayed the night so I dragged her under the duvet and tried to convince her that she wanted to go back to bed... no go.

She got me up, put slippers on me (bless!) and we went downstairs to pass out on the couch. So we sat there for a good hour watching spongebob, busting our bums laughing, me covered in arm vagina juice and reeling from a scabby knee and bruised ribs, all while I robbed her breakfast forgetting that I should be mortified...

Good times! :)

Typical

Seriously, why I ever do anyone any sort of favour is beyond me.

When you ask for one back, no one wants to know. I've had it with people taking advantage all of the time.

Tried to call in sick for work tomorrow and guess what, no one will cover my shift. After all of the shifts I've covered for them before at the drop of a hat and the ONE TIME I call in sick, they say no.

Seriously they can go and fucking shite off. If they ever ask me to do any thing for them again, I'm actually going to tell them where to go. I honestly can't believe it! The bastards! Once they get their way, they are happy. But when it comes to doing something for someone else, they either ignore you or flat out refuse to do it.

Well the days of 'ah sure delightfully_delighted will cover' are long gone.

Decisions, Descisions...

By golly! My life seems to have gotten very busy all of a sudden!

Seriously I go for months without having any fun due to lack of funds (festival tickets to pay for and a shit ass paying job being the culprits) and now suddenly I have commitments.

Commitments are not something I like. I generally like being more elusive and saying 'maybe' or perhaps 'I'll see'. But for some reason I've been saying 'yes' a lot more.

I've somehow agreed to go to the protest march that's on at the Dáil tomorrow evening. Still don't exactly know how I managed to rope myself in to that one. Mind you, apparently I'm going to be marching with the socialist party. Hmmm... I don't know if I like assigning myself to a political party with issues like this. Knowing me I'll get very passionate about the subject in the heat of the moment and they'll try and convince me to join them and their battle for justice.

Don't laugh, its happened before!

But to be honest I don't really have any other option. My friend who I plan to be going to the march with is a member of the party and seems to think that I've agreed to be assigned to flag holding duty.

You may know kindly fuck off mister!

That means associating myself with them for a common purpose. But what about when they ask me to help them on other issues?! What do I say? 'No sorry, I'm a lone ranger?!' hahaha I don't bloody think so!

Anyway I don't even know if I'll go, I'll probably make up some lame ass excuse not to go. Well it is my day off and I would like to go to the gym and run some errands...

Ok now I'm making excuses again. Excuses to get me out of awkward situations. Just like I always do. Oh well... we'll see what tomorrow brings.

Cycle Chic

Oh it has been a long time, hasn't it?!

Normally I'd avoid the issue of forgetting my password and make up some elaborate lie. Something that perhaps involved password stealing gnomes with giant yellow earrings or perhaps a tale of world wide travels where I found an actual pixie man and adopted him, giving the new name of Gerald but NO, I did forget my password and wasn't bothered to try and get pass the very very hard recovery process.

However, no need to fear! I am here once again.

Here to tell the tales of what I've been up to.

Or not.

No, I'm not going to. I'm going to leave who ever is reading this guessing about my absenteeism and let you come to your own conclusion. By the way it was most certainly not doing nothing. Nope. No sir. Nadda.

Right.

So yeah, I'm thinking of getting a bicycle. Not one of those power house contraptions that you see wizzing around the place. Notice how they are always ridden by some guy in his fifties with lycra clinging to his every contour, so much so that you can see the PORES on his armpits?!

I'm sorry but that whole culture of cycling is just vile! Cycling is supposed to be a normal mode of transport for normal people. I have however stumbled across the culture known as 'cycle chic'.

Now THIS I'm interested in!

People looking fabulous on retro bicycles... I can dig that.

An essential blog for all of this is Copenhagen Cycle Chic. They have wonderful photographs celebrating the nicer side of cycling. Mind you, Copenhagen has a completely different attitude to cycling that we Irish have. Over there Cyclists are not a triple point object that you score if you knock one over! In Copenhagen cyclists have the right of way instead of cars. If it snows, the cycle lanes get plowed first ahead of the main roadways! This is because there are so many people using the bike for day to day travelling, instead of using it purely at the weekend.

In fairness, I do think that Dublin's attitude to cycling is changing. The bike to work schemes are great and a lot of people are taking advantage of it, seeing as its a cheap way to keep fit in these recession times. Not to mention its good for the environment!

Anyway, the whole cycle chic thing is a completely separate thing altogether.

Exhibit A



Now one can hardly disagree that this chick doesn't look shit hot, no? hahaha

See that bike right there? That's my bike. Or rather the bike I want. €570 is a bit steep though so I'll be going for the cheaper option. One with a basket for €250! :)

The Copenhagen Cycle Chic website is actually launching a Dublin Cycle Chic event which is happening on 16th June! Details can be found here. So apparently you have to send in a photo or something to get invited to it but hopefully I'll have my bike by then and will be waiting outside looking awesome and ready for someone to take my picture! hahaha

Now... to get that bike! Donations anyone? :)